2020 coming in hot am I right???
All jokes aside, this is obviously an incredibly challenging time for everyone, something that both brings me comfort (I’m not alone) and also just amplifies my overall sense of unease.
If you’ve been following me for awhile then you know I am a productivity/organization/scheduling/cleaning fanatic and you would think that this would really be my time to shine. I have huge pile of clothes to go through sitting in the corner of my room, my car hasn’t been washed or vacuumed in 30 years (it’s my least favorite chore), and I could have redesigned my entire website by now.
But I just can’t do it.
When the shelter in place order got put into place last week here in San Francisco (and now in several cities across the US) I was already not doing well mentally but that seemed to really kick my anxiety into high gear and I spent the week feeling, in a word, icky.
But also, in more words, disconnected, stressed, overwhelmed, defeated, scared and sluggish.
It wasn’t the shelter in place order itself that bothered me. I think it’s great and 100% the right thing to do. I am all for everyone staying home. Not only do I believe it will absolutely help us flatten the curve, give some relief to our already collapsing health care system and also allow us to get back to normal life that much sooner–but I also truly enjoy being at home and could do it for days and days. Which is a good thing, because that’s now everyone’s reality.
No, what really seems to be the scariest thing of all is the uncertainty. If I could see into the future a few months, even if it was bleak, I would at least be able to have a plan. But I can’t do that and I don’t have a plan and to me, that is the scariest thing of all. All of the “what ifs”.
I’m scared for my parents who are older and have a long list of medical issues that would make them very high risk if they were to get sick. I’m scared for myself and my financial future as I see more and more of my freelance projects getting canceled or postponed. I’m scared for my friends and family who are without work or who are still going to work and who could get sick any day. I’m scared for how this recession will play out over the next several months and what it will mean for all of us. I’m even scared of going to the grocery store, an activity I use to love and look forward to. What if there’s not enough food? What if I get sick from going? What if people are savages?
It’s a heavy, heavy feeling and although I thrive when I am working on a project or organizing a space in my home, it just wasn’t something I could do last week. In fact, I didn’t feel like doing much of anything. I took a week off of the blog, didn’t wash my hair, definitely didn’t exercise and just felt like a little lump every day. I stayed in bed watching endless hours of Desperate Housewives and ate a lot of pasta and drank a lot of wine and as I’m typing this I realize how that actually sounds pretty great.
I realize I am very lucky and am so grateful for my home and all of my things and my savings and my parent’s health. I know that doing this with kids would be so much harder and I am VERY impressed by all of the parents who are handling this whole ordeal with such grace. But I think it’s also okay to feel just plain bad. And by taking the time to feel bad we can get closer to processing those feelings and beginning to feel better, sooner.
I know everywhere on social media we’re either seeing bad news or people telling you to be productive, get dressed every day, do your makeup, keep up with your workouts, try not to gain weight, organize your pantry, get on an effective schedule and cure cancer. It’s a lot. And it’s also, not something you have to do.
Giving myself last week to be an actual sloth and eat whatever I wanted, watch TV instead of clearing my inbox and just feel those shitty feelings was exactly what I needed. It gave me the time and space to process them, take a break and begin to feel better. Going into this week I am feeling a lot more positive, albeit that’s not saying that much. But hey, I worked out today for the first time in almost two weeks, I checked my email and I’m writing this post. It’s progress.
I may become more and more productive every week or I may still have weeks where I need to be a lumpy sloth (my new alter ego). You do not need to use this time to lose 15 pounds or get really good at knitting or become a master chef if you don’t want to. We’re in a pandemic, not on a vacation.
That being said, if you begin to feel more motivated or you want to do all of these highly productive things, that’s amazing. You should be doing whatever it is that helps you cope. But if that means just doing your best to get through the day sometimes, that’s totally fine. Because everything is not fine right now.
As for me, I’m slowly getting back into a routine. Doing things for my body that make me feel good and give me energy. Going to bed early because it puts me in a better mood in the morning. Saving pasta and tachos (tater tot nachos) for the weekends. Creating new content for all of you. Going to the grocery store only when needed, because despite the sometimes empty shelves, there is enough and they will stay open. I am leaning into what feels right and just taking it day by day. I hope you are too. But also, if you’re not, it’s really fine.
I hope you’re all staying safe and healthy. I know you’re navigating this the best you can.
Xo,
She
