The thing about red flags is that we all see them. We all hear that tiny voice inside our heads say “This isn’t right…” or “This seems…weird”. Identifying them isn’t the problem. It’s the justification for them that we immediately dive into that sets us up for nights spent tearfully watching To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before while clutching our wine glass in one hand and our bag of hot Cheetos in the other (don’t knock it till you try it).
I have always been someone who struggles with the balance between wanting to give someone the benefit of the doubt and just accepting that no, actually, they’re just an asshole and their phone is not broken.
It’s hard to meet a guy who you connect with in the first place, so when they start to show signs of maybe not being a good match we tend to cling on for dear life and come up with as many excuses as we can. Guys have it so fucking easy because they don’t even have to think of their own stories, we do it for them! He just upgraded his iPhone so he must not have my number anymore, he’s working on a deadline, it’s the holiday season so he has a lot going on, he’s afraid to be loved, blah blah blah. It’s all bs. We know it. They know it. Let’s all just accept it, shall we?
We are so afraid of missing out on someone great that we will convince ourselves to keep putting up with a guy’s dumbass non-excuses until we literally just can’t take it anymore. And ironically, by wasting our time on these shitty guys we may very well be missing out on that great “something” we’re looking for with someone else!
Listen, I just think we’re all queens and should spend our time with men who deserve it. I know this seriously limits our options here but wouldn’t you rather wait for someone quality than deal with some guy whose “phone dies” multiple times a day?
I think we can all recognize the obvious red flags. Still talks to his ex-girlfriend. Hates his mother. Isn’t nice to the waiter. We all know those. But I have found in my tumultuous dating journey that there are a few sneakier red flags that mean a lot more than you may think and should not be ignored! You deserve better babe. Women are a GIFT and any romantic interest who gets to spend a moment in our presence should be eternally grateful. That’s all there is to it.
Here are 6 red flags that I have encountered that you should avoid! Thank me later.
THE GUY WHO DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF
This is going to seem shallow but stay with me here. If you are dating a grown man and he doesn’t know how to dress himself, take care of his body or have a grasp on basic hygiene he is OUT.
Men are disgusting to begin with, sorry. It is inexcusable for them not to actively try to improve their appearance. It must be done. And if it isn’t then this guy 1. doesn’t take pride in his appearance aka is lazy af 2. is still a boy and 3. probably doesn’t put in much effort in other aspects of his life as well. No thanks.
In particular, I cannot STAND it when men don’t know how to dress appropriately for certain occasions. One of my exes once wore a beanie and ripped jeans to the BALLET. I realize I sound like such a judgy bitch right now but ladies, shall we compare what putting in the minimum effort looks like for us?
We try on 3 outfits, we strategically plan out which day to wash our hair, we style our hair, we take a probiotic, we Pinterest eye makeup tutorials, we SHAVE OUR LEGS, we smell GREAT and what do men have to do??
Shower, wear clothes that fit and if they really want to win us over: cologne. THE END. That’s fucking it! And they can’t even do that?!
As a fashion lover, I have dated a lot of guys who have made snide comments about me “looking too nice” when I’ve shown up for dates. I have high self-esteem so I know that those remarks stemmed from their own deep seeded insecurities about their own lack of style but I still would occasionally feel weird about putting too much effort in because I didn’t want to make them uncomfortable. But no more! That is absurd. All any man should ever be saying to you is that you look beautiful and that he is damn lucky to be seen with you. You don’t need any negativity in your life, especially from some dude with a pizza stain on his oversized sweatpants.
THE GUY WHO ISN’T A “BIG TEXTER”
I am officially calling bullshit on this lame ass excuse once and for all. Guys have been getting away with this whole “I’m a bad texter, I prefer communicating in person” garbage since texting became a thing and I’m over it. If he isn’t texting you, he isn’t into you.
If you are seeing each other, you should be able to communicate to some degree every day. And if you’re full-blown dating and he isn’t texting you back RUN. He is garbage.
One of my exes was the fucking WORST and would go literally days without talking to me. No response to my texts, my phone calls, nothing. And when he would finally come out of hiding he would always act like I was so dramatic for being upset. He would tell me that texting just “wasn’t his thing” and he was really busy. He was my boyfriend and he would disappear for days without saying a word. That is not normal. And I’m sorry, but why is it crazy to want to speak to the person you like at least once a day?
Unless texting is replaced with another form of daily communication (phone calls, FaceTime, emails, etc.) there is no excuse.
I’m not saying constantly texting back and forth is a requirement because hello, we all have jobs. But if the only person who initiates conversation is you, that’s a problem. It literally means he doesn’t have the desire to speak with you. He’s not thinking of you. Next!
THE GUY WHO ISN’T DOWN WITH YOUR FRIENDS
This is a huge deal breaker for me if I’m being honest. I have dated far too many guys who never wanted to meet my friends or who would throw a fit when I asked them to come to a group event with me. Now, let me be clear. I am not the girl who wants to drag her boyfriend to every single night out with friends. I cherish my time with my friends deeply and honestly, would prefer to have a girl’s night over a date night any day of the week. HOWEVER because my friends mean the absolute world to me it is really upsetting to date someone who is a total grump with it comes to getting to know them. If I take you at all seriously then meeting my friends is a big fucking deal. You better be grateful for that privilege.
I want to date someone who when meeting my friends asks them about their lives, shows interest in getting to know them and is just generally really chill about going to social events from time to time. I am someone who deals with social anxiety and I still always make a big effort to make a good impression and get to know my guy’s friends so I find it really frustrating when they don’t do the same.
Both of my exes only met my friends 1-2 times because they always gave me a hard time whenever I invited them anywhere. I, on the other hand, spent countless hours with their moronic cavemen friends. One night they were literally playing hot potato and hurling raw potatoes at each other (and me) and I ended up just going to bed at 9 pm because I couldn’t take the idiocy. These are the things I dealt with!
If he doesn’t show an interest in getting to know those that matter most to you, he isn’t in it to win it. Bye!
THE GUY WHO IS IMMEDIATELY OBSESSED WITH YOU
Okay, this one is tricky because it feels really nice to be wanted. Duh! We all love attention so when a guy shows up in our lives and is doling it out left and right we get excited. But be cautious because if he seems too good to be true, he probably is.
I am ALWAYS immediately suspicious of guys who are too interested in me too fast. Listen, I know I’m great but only psychopaths want to be my boyfriend after one date (listen to the Dirty John podcast if you don’t believe me). There is something just sickening disingenuous about the guy who immediately starts calling you “baby” and says he told his mom about you. It feels so fake and forced and just…wrong.
Related: My Dating Confessions
This guy has either just broken up with someone and is trying to deflect his heartbreak by pretending you’re his girlfriend or he is SHADY and is trying to use you. Or he is DESPERATE because every girl he’s ever dated has thrown him out the window because he is trash. There is no good scenario here. The difference between this creepy dude and the genuinely interested guy is that you will feel it if he’s actually trying to get to know you. If the new guy you’re dating doesn’t seem all that interested in your work, your family, your passions, etc. then there’s an ulterior motive here.
And honestly, some people just enjoy the cozy couple feeling but don’t want the commitment which is obviously VERY confusing and mixed signals city but that’s why YOU have to be the one who spots this red flag early and doesn’t let all of the cutesy shit cloud your judgment.
THE GUY WHO WANTS TO BE “EXCLUSIVE” BUT NOT YOUR BF
Story of my fucking life honestly.
Is there anything more frustrating?? You find someone you actually like. Then you continue dating and nothing awful happens to mess it up. And then after a few months, you’re “exclusively dating” which is like wow okay how did I find this man that is actually into monogamy, amazing fabulous wow. Only to find out that you two have a VERY different view of exclusivity and it turns out they don’t actually ever plan on being in a real relationship with you.
Am I crazy for thinking that “dating exclusively” and being boyfriend and girlfriend are the same fucking thing?? You’re telling me that I don’t get to date anyone else but I also still have to tell people YOU’RE JUST MY FRIEND?!
That is absurd and I am calling bullshit. You don’t get the benefits of having a lovely, attentive girlfriend while also maintaining your ability to tell girls at the bar you’re single That’s not how it works you toad.
Lol, clearly I am speaking VERY much from personal experience so I am feeling fiery. I will reign it in.
Anyway, I know that it’s rare to find a guy who isn’t gross and treats you well and has a decent job and cleans his room but you deserve someone who is crazy about you. We can’t keep sacrificing commitment (if that’s what we really want) just because we like someone a lot. We can spend our whole lives wasting time making up excuse after excuse for these guys who at the end of the day, just aren’t that into us. If you are dating someone who tells you they don’t want to date anyone else but they just can’t seem to commit to you fully what they really mean is that they don’t want to date anyone else right now. They’re waiting for something better to come along. Keeping their options open. How charming.
And by not being your actual boyfriend they believe in their delusional minds that this keeps them from being able to actually hurt you. You can’t dump someone you’re not officially dating right? You can’t break someone’s heart if you never actually gave them yours, right? That’s the line I hate the most. “I don’t want to be in a relationship in case I break your heart”. Except we all know that’s total bs because it is endlessly heartbreaking to be with someone who doesn’t truly want to be with you, and still strings you along for fun. Men don’t want to feel bad when they find something better to replace you with and they think by holding back the relationship title they’re able to leave your life guilt free. It’s fucked up, but it’s the truth.
If you’re at the point where you want to commit to someone and their response is very “meh” and the many excuses begin flooding in, just go. Don’t wait. Don’t waste your time. There is someone out there who will be SO proud to call you their girlfriend and you don’t want to miss out on them while you’re trying to convince someone to be with you. There should be no convincing.
THE GUY WITH THE GREEN TEXTING BUBBLE
Lol kidding…kind of.
Have you experienced any of these red flags? Tell me about it in the comments below!
Xo, She
