Sometimes I wonder if we’re all just walking around with heartbreak like we’re wearing an ugly backpack only we can see. For me it filters through my day, appearing in unexpected moments that at times hit me so hard it takes my breath away and in others just feels like a quiet reminder. Do we all just spend our days moving through these moments the best we can? Is there anyone who isn’t interrupted daily by new and old wounds?
I think that’s the most unfair thing about falling for someone, they stay with you forever and there just isn’t anything you can do about it. Yes, of course, over time those feelings fade and eventually when you’re reminded of them by a song that comes on the radio you either approach that moment with fondness or indifference, but they’re still with you. Doesn’t that suck??
I wrote a post a couple of years ago called The Resilient Girl’s Guide to Getting Over Breakups and it was obviously during a time I was attempting to move past my own, very fresh heartbreak that resulted from my then boyfriend’s abrupt and cold dismissal of our relationship. He broke up with me in the car, on the side of the road while we were on our way to get soup dumplings which is perhaps the cruelest part of all. I didn’t even get my dumplings that day.
In the post, I do share what I consider to be some quality tips, like deleting them from your social media so you’re not stuck torturing yourself by scrolling through their feed at 3 am. But when I read it now, after a different heartbreak, I realize that while I do consider myself to be an incredibly resilient person, I’m also a person who runs from pain like my life depends on it.
I delete their number, block them on social media, throw away the gifts, the pictures and essentially erase them from my life. I download the dating apps, I drink too much wine, I book myself solid with friends and dates and work and I don’t stop moving. I don’t give myself even a moment to catch my breath because I know that if I do it will all catch up with me. I know deep down, that all those feelings are always with me and that if I allow them even a second to reveal themselves they will wash over me like a wave, and I’ll be drowning again. It’s a fight to keep my head above water and one that I can easily lose at any moment.
These days I’m trying to allow the pain to just sit with me during the moments it comes and then let it go. It’s kind of like doing the dishes. The longer I wait to do them, the more there are and the longer it takes me. But if I do the few that appear in my sink every day, it is so much more manageable. If I can manage this heartbreak in bits I may find that it feels a whole lot less like a burden strapped to my back and more like a small stone in my pocket.
I think one of my issues (of which there are many) is that I feel like if you’re heartbroken, that is all you are. You are in a permanent state of sadness that cannot be interrupted by laughter with friends or good food or even a new romantic interest. But I’m learning that we as humans are able to be so many things at once and that like my poor sense of direction and inability to find my keys even when they’re right in front of me, my heartbreak is just a part of me. A smaller part every day, but a part none the less.
I am still resilient and strong and independent. I am still moving on. But I also unblock him to look at his Instagram and become overwhelmed with fury and sadness when I see him flirting with another girl in the comments. I also wake up and feel empowered to keep moving and have a great, productive day. It’s all give and take. I am not one to wallow but I am learning to feel into my anger and frustration and disappointment so I can release it and replace those feelings with ones that I feel more accurately define who I am. A girl who is positive and confident and excited for what is to come.
At the end of the day, I know that I will be fine because I always am. For every sad goodbye, there is an exciting new beginning. One that you get to enter a little smarter and a little more experienced. So if you’re like me and you hate feeling pathetic and lonely just remember that those feelings are totally normal but also don’t sum up who you are as a whole. Missing someone does not make you weak just like moving on from someone who hurt you does not mean you never cared at all. Allow the pain to come when it does so you can heal your heart and celebrate the triumphant moments where you feel like a new woman, ready to take on the world.
As for me, I am planning trips with girlfriends and going on fun dates with cute guys and creating new, exciting content that makes me feel like I’m going to burst I’m so fucking thrilled about it. I feel really good and I anticipate this feeling to only grow stronger in the upcoming months. And that to me, is a victory in itself.
If you’re going through a heartbreak, whether it be old or new, I hope this helps you feel less alone. I’m here for you girl!
Xo, She
