THE SINGLE GIRL’S GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING

I’ve been noodling on the idea of adding dating to my lifestyle section for a while now because if I’m being honest, it’s a pretty big part of my life.

And by that I mean, I’ve been on a few dates. Like, probably too many. Just being honest. Hey, it’s not easy finding someone you have chemistry with.

And yeah, okay, I wish every freaking day that I was Carrie Bradshaw and this is my weak attempt at being her WHATEVER.

But I honestly think this is a topic that we just don’t see enough first accounts on. When I scroll through my Instagram I see all of my favorite bloggers gazing into the eyes of their beloved boyfriends and husbands and that’s very sweet and I’m so happy they’ve found love but life is just different for us single twenty-somethings.

Especially in the age of dating apps and ghosting and facebook stalking. You can flip through your phone and find a date the same way you can check the weather. Dating made easy, or so we think.

It’s the new norm and navigating the waters of Tinder and Bumble isn’t like your typical dating scene.

If the literal act of flipping through people like a menu (“I’ll take the guy with the Austrailian accent who’s playfully snuggling a corgi please!”) doesn’t make it feel like a game, the push and pull of the actual dating process will make you feel like you’re in a never-ending chess match. And newsflash, chess fucking sucks.

You carefully decide which move to make, trying to stay one step ahead of your opponent, analyzing them while they’re analyzing you analyze them. It’s exhausting.

Well, at least that’s how it is for girls. I feel like guys just swipe right on every girl they see while they scratch their bellies and ask their roommates if there’s any Bud Light left.

But those are not the guys we want. We’re hoping to sift through all of the fratty dudes wearing scarves and boat shoes (yes, Marina, I’m talking to you), the grimey deadbeats who only have “420 friendly, come througghhhh” in their bios and the pretentious techies with terrible style and zero game who think they’re hot shit because they work for a startup (San Francisco life, unfortunately). We’re trying to find a normal guy. Who’s kind and smells good and has an actual personality. I don’t feel like I’m asking for much here people!

So while we’re playing this game of waiting three days to text back and saying we’re out with the girls when we’re really at home picking out a facemask, we’re trying to find the real deal. Someone we actually like, who actually likes us back. Doesn’t sound like a tall order, but you’d be surprised.

As someone who is, if you ask my friends, a Tinder veteran, I’ve seen some ridiculous shit that you’d think would only happen in a bad sitcom. I’ve also had amazing dates and felt totally alive and just like Anne Hathaway in Princess Diaries: A Royal Engagement. I mean, the first scenario is more the norm but don’t be discouraged. You can find decent guys on Tinder. You just have to be willing to take the risk of spending an evening enduring someone’s lame story about their “legendary” high school basketball game. Yikes.

And if you’re wondering why I don’t try to meet guys outside of online dating apps, it’s because I’m not really around any. I work from home and before this, I worked at Victoria’s Secret for 6 years and wasn’t exactly looking to date any creepy married dudes.

I obviously go out but I would much rather date a guy I’ve been able to do extensive research on and who will (hopefully) be sober the first time we meet instead of hooking up with some gross drunk dude who spilled his entire gin and tonic on me.

I’m obviously open to meeting guys when I’m out running errands or going to yoga but it has yet to happen. I will keep you posted.

So essentially, I wanted to show some support to all of my other fellow single ladies who are trying to figure out the ins and outs of online dating by sharing some of my tried and true tips. Not that I’m an expert because clearly I’m not speaking from a place of success (#singleaf) but I have been on COUNTLESS dates over the years and did manage to find two boyfriends on Tinder (we broke up, but you know, not the point).

If you’re new to online dating, have been thinking about it or have been attempting it with little success (I feel you girl) here are my 10 tips for making it a less miserable experience and avoiding lame ass dudes to the best of your ability.

#1: YOU CAN DEFINITELY SAY SOMETHING FIRST BUT DON’T BE A BORING BITCH

I won’t lie, I typically just wait for guys to talk to me first. I know, I know. Worst feminist ever. I’m honestly just kind of lazy and I don’t find myself inclined to reach out first unless I really like their profile. However, this is not to say that you shouldn’t feel good about messaging them first because it really shouldn’t matter who does it. 

If you are going to say something don’t be lame and just say “Hey” or send a GIF. That’s fucking boring and you know it. Actually read their profile and find something to comment on. Be clever. Try. Guys like it when people show interest in them too.

The other day I swiped right on this guy who’s bio was really funny and he mentioned that one of his talents was “picking trivia team names that no one else thinks is funny”. So I wrote him and asked him if I could bounce a few trivia team name ideas off of him since he was an expert. Witty banter ensued but this also meant I had to actually think of trivia team names and also pretend I enjoyed trivia. Oops. So maybe also, don’t lie? 

I may have been stretching the truth a bit there but at least I caught his attention and didn’t blend in with all of the other girls who were either not messaging him first or who were writing “Hey, how’s it going?”.

Actually start a conversation here. That’s all I’m saying.

#2: MAKE SURE YOUR PROFILE HAS PICTURES OF YOUR ACTUAL FACE AND BODY

I’m not talking about catfishing ladies (although that’s also weird, so don’t do that). I’m talking about your ridiculous pictures of you with your entire sorority or that blurry photo you like because your boobs look pretty good or those three consecutive selfies of you wearing your sunglasses. These pictures help no one. And yes, a lot of guys will swipe right on anyone and anything (super romantic and flattering, I know) but the quality ones will not and they might not be down if they have ZERO idea of what you look like!

Have clear, up to date pictures that show your face sans sunnies, as well as full body pictures. They can be with a friend (not 20, that’s confusing af), of you doing some cool outdoor activity, whatever. And I know that we don’t want to focus too much on looks and it’s what inside that matters blah blah blah. It’s a dating app, this is what you signed up for. And there’s nothing wrong about oh, I don’t know, wanting the person you’re attracted to be attracted to you as well. Show these guys what they’re actually going to get if they go on a date with you.

Listen, I’m not trying to waste anyone’s time here so if I’m not going to float some dude’s boat I’d prefer he knows that before I’m two drinks in and trying to make awkward conversation with someone who isn’t that into me. But hey, maybe that’s just me.

#3: DON’T INDULGE CREEPY DUDES, SWIPE LEFT AND MOVE ON

You’re probably reading this and thinking “duh”. But I’m not talking about the overtly creepy guys that no one likes. I don’t think you’re going to find yourself falling head over heels for some guy who’s opening line is “Let’s meet up and play babe” (so many barfing emojis it’s not even funny).

I’m talking about the more subtle brand of creep. The guys who are just a little too complimentary. The guys who are just a little too smooth. The ones who maybe say a bunch of sweet things and then before you know it are sending you a shirtless selfie and a winky face. You may be tempted (especially if it’s a nice shirtless selfie) to justify this bizarre behavior because you were initially flattered but DON’T BE FOOLED. They are creepy and disgenuine and definitely copy and paste the same message to every girl in hopes that one will fall for it. Don’t be that girl.

#4: DON’T DRAG THIS SHIT OUT FOR THREE WEEKS, JUST MEET THE GUY ALREADY

I get it. You’re not trying to meet up with an ax murderer or someone super annoying (both equally terrible fates). You want to take your time to make sure you feel comfortable. But honestly, at the end of the day, you’re still meeting up with a stranger so you might as well just get it over with already. Dragging out the texting phase forever does not ensure that you’ll actually like this person in real life.

If I like our initial conversation on tinder then I’ll get things moving pretty quickly. I will gladly give out my number and suggest grabbing drinks because I don’t want to waste my time. I would much rather meet up with a guy, realize he’s not for me and then move on than create this imaginary romance in my head by texting him for weeks, only to be disappointed when I meet him in person and I realize that he doesn’t brush his teeth.

I once was talking to this guy and I thought he was so funny and interesting over text and was even more delighted when he actually called me (I know, shocking) and was just as cool over the phone. I was traveling and working a lot at the time so I wasn’t able to meet up with him right away but I couldn’t wait. I honestly felt like we had a real connection and thought we would totally have a cute, cinematic moment on our first date.

Our first date was AWFUL.

He clearly had used the oldest pictures of all time, admitted he didn’t have a job and I’m pretty sure was drunk already when he got there. He was sloppy and annoying and he literally burped every 30 seconds. I’m not even joking. I left after 30 minutes because he was such a mess and I just wasn’t down to spend an evening with some drunk dude who had been lying about his life for weeks. He said he wanted to tell me that he didn’t have a job (and wasn’t currently looking) and also wasn’t exactly how he appeared in his pictures once he could see me in person because he was afraid I wouldn’t be interested if he had just been honest via text. So if I had actually seen this guy right away I could have avoided the disappointment of wasting all that time.

Just because you meet someone online doesn’t mean your interactions should stay online. Just grab drinks with the guy and see if he’s as cool as he seems over text. As long as you meet in a public place and let your friends know where you’re at, the worst case scenario is you’ll get burped on a little bit.

#5: BE HONEST AND UP FRONT

We’ve all tried to be that cool girl who claims she’s down for “whatever” but if you know that’s not true then don’t lie. The same goes for acting like you’re really into someone because you’re too scared to hurt their feelings. You have to be honest because otherwise you’re going to hurt someone and there’s a good chance it will be you.

If you want something casual, great. Say that. If you’re looking for something more serious, don’t be afraid to say that too. This doesn’t mean you have to be a weirdo and have your opening line be “I’m looking for someone who would make a great father someday” (ew) but when that awkward “so what are you looking for?” conversation comes up you can just tell it how it is.

I personally hate that “looking” question because it feels like you have to live in either camp. Either you just want to mess around or you want a boyfriend. But what if you’re down for either? What if you hope to meet an amazing guy someday but you’re also okay with not meeting him asap? It also just seems like a dumb question because no matter what you’re “looking for” you could change your mind in a second if you met the right person. Even if you’ve sworn off serious relationships forever, if you meet the guy of your dreams I doubt you’re going to decline a second date on principal.

If you like someone, like really like them, and instead of being honest about it you lie and say you’re cool with keeping things casual you’re just setting yourself up for misery. He will never like you that way. It just doesn’t happen. You have to be completely clear about what you want otherwise he’s not going to get it (guys aren’t great at reading between the lines) and you’re going to be left disappointed and frustrated.

The same goes for the reversed scenario. Be honest and up front about what you like, what you don’t like and if you’re actually interested in this person. Don’t lead guys on because you’re too scared for the mildly awkward “I don’t see us going on a second date” conversation that literally lasts two minutes. Just do it and move forward. Or better yet, have your friend craft the text for you and be done with it. Ghosting is rude, so just be honest.

#6: KNOW HOW TO SPOT THE RED FLAGS

Dating is hard because it’s never a black and white situation. We’re humans and therefore we’re filled with all sorts of annoying complexities that can make it super difficult to know when someone has a legitimate excuse to act like a POS and when they actually just are one.

When you first start dating someone (my definition of dating is literally going on dates, btw) it can be especially tricky to spot red flags because you don’t know this person at all so you’re basically just guessing how they feel about you. You don’t know what they’ve been through to make them act the way they do and you have no right to have a huge set of expectations because you’ve just met. So you have to kind of just feel it out and see what happens. It’s a bummer, but it comes with the territory.

While things can feel confusing and lines can get blurry at times there are definitely some clear red flags that you should look out for and recognize. And by look out for and recognize I mean don’t try to justify all of the awful shit he’s doing just because he bought you dinner and said you remind him of Penelope Cruz.

Some common red flags include:

• Not texting you within a couple days after your first date (rude)
• Never texting you first/making plans first
• Never wanting to meet your friends
• Never wanting you to meet his friends
• Only asking you to come over
• Going days and days without responding to you
• Only responding with things like “yeah lol” and “cool” (EW)
• Not asking you any questions about yourself or attempting to get to know you better

Just to name a few. Honestly, you can spend your whole life making up excuses for someone’s shitty behavior or you can move on and find someone who treats you like an actual human being that they’re mildly interested in (ah, the dream). It’s up to you!

#7: IF HE LIKES YOU, YOU WILL KNOW

This is a simple concept, and yet so many girls waste their time on guys who have zero interest in them and will somehow delude themselves into thinking they actually have a chance.

If a guy doesn’t text you back for days, he doesn’t like you. If a guy cancels or reschedules plans frequently, he doesn’t like you. If a guy only texts you asking you if you want to come over, he doesn’t like you. Period. Even if when he does get around to texting you he says something cute or has a great excuse. If he has thumbs and he likes you, he would text you.

You can spend as much time crafting these compelling arguments as you want, but when someone likes you, you know. He isn’t “too busy with work” or “going through a hard time”. He didn’t lose his phone and he isn’t “scared of his feelings” for you. Please. He just doesn’t like you. 

Think about how you act and feel when you like someone. You text them back quickly, you’re eager to see them and you put in a solid effort to get to know them better. And when things really do come up, you let them know because you don’t want them to get the wrong idea.

When you don’t like someone that much, you can definitely wait a few days to get back to them. You have no desire to go out of your way to meet up with them. If you’re attracted to them you might see them again here and there, but for the most part, it’s really just them doing all of the work. Because you don’t really care.

I know it’s hard when you meet someone great and maybe have an amazing first date and then all of a sudden they’re not acting very interested anymore. Been there, it’s a bummer. But instead of torturing yourself by pining away and creating an elaborate excuse for why they’re acting like a stranger you could be moving on without the stress.

Stop making excuses for someone who can’t even give you the time of day. No guy has ever thought “I’m going to ignore this girl and avoid spending time with her because I want her to be my future wife”. Just move on dude. 

#8: DON’T INVEST MORE TIME AND ENERGY THAN THEY DO

This is definitely relevant to #7 because relationships (and budding relationships) are all about two people contributing. If one person is contributing way more time and energy than the other person something isn’t right. The red flags I mentioned above are great indicators that your dude is not contributing on your level.

When I go on a first date, I try to go in with zero expectations (see #10) and I figure out if I actually like this person. If I do, then I’ll move forward, tentatively. I don’t mean to sound like a jaded bitch but you can only make a fool of yourself so many times. I’m all for putting yourself out there once and seeing how he responds in return. Text him first. Ask him out. If you’re really feeling him do what you have to do but if he does not respond in the same way after the first time drop it. Don’t be the one who is constantly texting first and leaving voicemails and trying to fit this lame guy into your perfect picture that you’ve created in your mind.

If he doesn’t text you often but when he does he’s sweet and if he mentions he’s not looking for anything serious that’s totally fine. Especially if you also feel the same way. Just don’t expect him to do anything more than be sweet occasionally when you hang out every few weeks. If you’re not okay with that then you have to tell him. And if he isn’t down to take things to the next level, then move onto the next.

If you meet a guy you really like who treats you well and talks to you every day and actually listens to you then you should do the same if you like him too. Don’t try to act distant and cold out of fear when he’s not showing you any signs of being a bad guy. Match his energy and give this thing a real shot.

It’s hard because no one wants to look like an idiot. And sometimes as women, we find it noble to be that girl who gave a relationship her all, even when the guy gave nothing. It allows us to walk away thinking “well at least I know I gave it everything I had”. But is it really worth it? Wouldn’t it be easier to just feel it out and meet a guy half way instead of throwing yourself at someone who ultimately just isn’t that into you?

Men are tricky. But they can feel a lot easier to decode when you’re not diving into a relationship you’ve created in your head that doesn’t actually exist.

#9: YOU DON’T HAVE TO STAY ON A DATE WITH A GUY YOU HATE

This tip is already great due to my unintentional rhyming but it’s also an important one to remember. If you meet up with a guy and he’s creeping you out or is just plain rude (or both) then leave. You don’t have to endure someone’s terrible personality because you feel bad for leaving early. It’s a first date, you’re not leaving him at the altar.

I was once on a date with this absolutely insufferable guy. He was so creepy and annoying and would not stop touching me. He kept trying to kiss me and hold my hand and put his arms around me, even though I made it abundantly clear that I wasn’t comfortable with that because, oh I don’t know, we had met FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO. He wouldn’t stop and kept saying “it’s too bad you aren’t more affectionate” (barf) to which I replied, “I’m affectionate with people I actually like…and know”. He wasn’t getting the memo so I called a Lyft and told him I had to go. I suspect he spent the rest of the evening preying on vulnerable looking women and kicking back Jagermeister shots.

You don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t have to stay on a date with someone who makes your skin crawl, you don’t have to keep texting a guy who you didn’t really like because he’s “nice” and you don’t have to force yourself to like someone who isn’t the right person for you.

Trust your gut and let that guy move on to creeping out someone else.

#10: GO IN WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS

This is a big one and it will save you a lot of disappointment and late nights frying (frustrated crying) while Facebook stalking the guy you like.

If you go on a date already with these grand expectations in mind before you even meet the guy, 9/10 you’ll be disappointed. How could you not be? You’ve never met the guy. Other than expecting him to be a decent human being with tolerable personal hygiene, you can’t really ask for much else.

If you expect him to sweep you off your feet, say its love at first sight and then take you out to go ring shopping after one date you’re setting yourself up for a huge reality check. Even expecting him to go on a second date with you before you’ve met him is too much. It’s not fair to you or him to get so invested so quickly.

I try to think of all of my first dates as just a couple of hours spent getting to know someone new. That’s it. Nothing more. There have certainly been times when I’ve gotten myself way too excited about someone without even meeting them (refer to #4) only to find myself contemplating how badly it would hurt to throw myself out of a moving vehicle.

I’ve also gone on great first dates that have prompted me to get too carried away which just meant I was getting unreasonably irritated when I didn’t get a text back within an hour. I had just met this person. That makes zero sense.

As you spend more time with a person and as you communicate what you want out of this budding relationship, you will start to carve out new expectations that make sense for each phase you’re in. But a first date should come without expectations. That way when you go home at the end of the night, the worst case scenario is that you had a boring date that you left early so you could get carne asada fries (always my move). Instead of dragging your feet and wondering if you’ll be alone forever because you put way too much pressure on the situation.

Get excited for your dates, but don’t overthink them or make them into something more than they are. The best part of going in without expectations is that often times you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Thanks for reading my online dating manifesto! I hope you at least found it funny but hopefully also a little useful. If you enjoyed this post and want to see more content like it leave me a comment! You can also share your dating horror stories below if you’d like to make me feel better about mine 😉

Xoxo,

She