I have an actual white person problem.
I am literally so white I can’t even fake tan.
How is this fair? Okay, I totally get not being able to actually tan. Sure, I’m super Irish and pasty. Fine, whatever. But how is it fair that when I try to go the fake and bake route I STILL can’t tan? What kind of sense does that even make?
I have followed all of the appropriate steps. I have showered, I have shaved, I have exfoliated. I have done it all! I’ve experimented with several different fake tanning lotions/mouses/creams and no luck. It’s ridiculous. I have endured the odd odors, the stickiness, and the false hope all for nothing. I am consistently disappointed.
However, I am convinced that this summer, is my summer. I will FINALLY look a little bit more human. I am ready to shed this pasty, pasty skin.
So I’m taking the plunge and experimenting with even more fake tanners until I find one that will actually change the color of my skin. I just want to be less offensively white, is that too much to ask? I don’t want to blind people at the pool, or scare people at the beach.
I want to be able to wear white and not have it blend in. Or make me look whiter. It’s just a simple dream.
Here is a strategically taken picture of my legs that I was hoping would make them look 1. thinner and 2. less horrifyingly white. I think I kind of succeeded. But at the very least, this should give you some sort of idea of what I’m working with here. This can be the “before” picture:
Ignore my weird big toe situation, I don’t know what it was doing there.
Stayed tuned for future posts featuring my pasty self and an army of fake tanners! Comment below if you too have suffered from the trauma of fake tanning (or the lack there of, for that matter) and tell me about your solutions!
