We all have a mental list of the things that rub us the wrong way when it comes to dating. Some items on your list may seem petty or like they’re not that big of a deal but at the end of the day, if you’re not into it, you get to be the one to decide if it’s a deal breaker for you or not. If you hate it when guys snore too loudly or wear the same t-shirt four days in a row then you don’t have to date those types of guys. Even if they run a charity for orphaned puppies. Although, come on, what kind of monster are you?! Kidding! Kind of. The world is your oyster babe and there are plenty of fish in the sea who don’t have sinus issues.
When I’m on a date there are often moments when I see something a guy does or hear something he says that sounds a small ding in my mind that tells me this is not the one for me. Sometimes it’s a small thing that could potentially be overcome by other redeeming qualities and sometimes it’s the kind of ding that takes them out of the running altogether. The latter is the kind of “ding” I’m going to share with you today.
Some of the deal breakers on my list may seem shallow or dumb but that’s the thing, they’re my deal breakers. And I deserve to be with someone I find attractive on all levels, so if he’s not doing it for me in some way then I am just saving us both from wasting our time. I am happy to let him find the woman who loves a guy in baggy jeans and who leaves them on read for three days. Enjoy him! He’s all yours.
I just feel like life is short and my time is precious so if you know there are certain things a guy can do that you can’t stand, why not keep them in mind on a first date? Call me picky but I think we could all honestly be a little pickier ladies. Let’s stop dating dudes we don’t even like that much just because they’re “nice guys” or they like us. We all deserve more than that.
Related: 6 Dating Red Flags You Should Watch Out For
Here are my top 8 deal breakers when it comes to the beginning stages of dating. Obviously, murderers or guys who hate dogs are automatically disqualified but these are all things that can happen within the first date or two that tell me that it’s time to move onto the next.
GUYS WHO HAVE TERRIBLE (OR NO) STYLE
I’ve mentioned before how much of a pet peeve this is for me and I figured I should just get the most shallow one out of the way!
The thing is, this makes me endlessly frustrated because it is so easy for men to dress well. All they have to do is wear clothes that fit. Yes, of course, there are some clothing items that should never see the light of day (I’m talking to you crocs and fedoras) but for the most part, guys can keep their wardrobe pretty simple and just focus on getting the right size.
Baggy jeans, oversized t-shirts, wrinkly button downs that are too tight, all of it needs to go. Now. Goodbye.
To be specific, I am especially turned off by guys who don’t know how to dress correctly for different occasions. I once had a boyfriend who showed up to the ballet wearing jeans, a faded hoodie, and a beanie. To the fucking BALLET. Are you kidding me?? HE bought the tickets, it was HIS idea! How did he think that’s an acceptable outfit????
I feel like such a bitch and that’s not my intention but we’re adults so I just don’t think there’s an excuse for a man to dress like an idiot for formal events. It’s childish and not what I want. Sorry, not sorry!
THE NON-PLANNERS
This one can be tricky to spot in the beginning because sometimes guys will put in the effort to make plans for the first couple of dates but then stop abruptly once they’re bored with you. Sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. If you’re dating a guy for a while and all of a sudden he stops texting you first or inviting you to hang out he’s over you.
You may be thinking, well if he’s over me then why does he reply when I do text him? And why does he hang out with me when I make the plans?
Because he is lazy and you are putting yourself on a silver platter for him so of course, he’s going to take a bite. But I dare you to never reach out to him again and see if you ever hear from him. Crickets, am I right?
The second a guy stops actively making plans with me, I’m out. Of course, I am happy to be the initiator and reach out first once or twice but if this turns into an endless cycle I will bounce. I have too much pride. It has to be an equal effort.
MONEY TALK
Ugh. This one kills my soul. There is nothing worse than a guy who gets the check and makes an awkward comment. I was on a date with a truly shitty dude last month and after he got the check for our two drinks he looked at it for way too long and then said: “ugh, San Francisco is so expensive”. EW. Done. Bye.
Why are you paying for it then? Would you like me to venmo you? Why do I have to suffer because you chose to live in the most expensive city in the country? How is this my problem? It’s just extremely unattractive and let me explain why.
This is not about me thinking all guys should be showering me in gifts and free dinners. I am the kind of girl who will offer to grab the next round of drinks, who is down to take my guy out. That is not the issue. This is about the simple fact that talking about how much money you have, how much you don’t have, how much you spent on your weekend trip to Vegas, how expensive your gym is, etc. is inappropriate and awkward af on a first date. It’s tacky and quite honestly, a little suspicious. Is there a reason you feel the need to bring up your finances? Will your debt collector be joining us for dessert?
I was seeing a guy briefly in December who kept bringing up money. On our first date it was him bragging about how he just paid $6k in property taxes (okay?) and on our second it was him awkwardly joking about how he had $52 dollars left to his name but that he was happy to spend it on our date. When I told him, “Woah dude, don’t do that, we can definitely reschedule or I’ll pay”, he got extremely defensive and told me he was obviously joking and had plenty of money in the bank. Then he took me to an over the top restaurant, brought me a box of chocolates (weird but ya know, don’t mind if I do) and then asked me if I didn’t mind paying for his Uber since he paid for dinner. So which is it, buddy??? Why did we have to do any of this at all???
Girls don’t want to feel like they’re causing you to go bankrupt by having you pay for their whiskey sour and they also don’t really give a shit about your new ski set you “paid way too much for, but it was worth it”. Money is not a first (or fifth) date topic. End of story.
GUYS WHO DON’T ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS
This is something I look for on every first date and can truly make the difference between there being a second one or not. In general, when you’re meeting someone new, it’s extremely obnoxious to just talk about yourself non-stop without asking the other person about themselves at all. It’s just plain rude and makes it clear that you don’t really care about getting to know the other person at all. You have no interest in who they are or what they’re into or what they do with their lives.
This isn’t about me wanting to spend hours talking about myself either (although it is a topic I’m fond of, hehe), it’s about having enough social skills to understand that we’re here on this date to find out if we like each other and it’s kind of difficult to do that if you don’t show any interest in getting to know me.
If I notice that a guy is leaving all the questions to me and that I am doing the heavy lifting on a date then I am immediately ready to get the check and leave. Way to make it totally clear that you’re just hoping to sleep with me and that you don’t care if I even have a personality. The terrible date I mentioned previously was also awful because this guy did not ask me a single question and could not even use the questions I asked him to find out more about me. How hard is it to say “what about you?”.
A great conversation is a two-way street so if you’re spending 45 minutes telling me about your “epic” trip to Mexico but can’t even ask me where I’m from, that’s going to be a no for me.
THE ONES WHO EAT FRITOS FOR DINNER
Listen, I am a girl who loves to eat. I literally have carne asada fries listed as my love language in my Tinder profile. But, I am a generally healthy person who really cares about my body. And at this point in my life, I just don’t see myself dating someone who doesn’t give a shit about theirs.
I don’t require a guy to rock six pack abs (unless he really wants to, then by all means) and spend four hours a day in the gym. I certainly am not living my life that way. But it’s unattractive to me to see a guy eat exclusively fast food, avoid physical activity at all costs and have no concern about their health. It’s immature and not what I’m looking for.
I am so down to go on eating dates and try new restaurants and indulge in something delicious. But I don’t do that every day because I want to take care of myself and I’d like to date someone who puts in at least the same amount of effort as I do. I also am down to chill out on the couch and binge creepy docs. But if that’s the kind of activity you spend most of your free time doing and the thought of going outside and getting some fresh air grosses you out, I think we might not be a match.
BAD COMMUNICATORS
I don’t play the taking 3 days to text back game. If a guy waits more than a day to text me back, even in the beginning, I immediately write him off as a fuck boy and I will treat him as such.
We can make excuses until the end of time but at the end of the day, it takes two seconds to text someone back. If they’re at work, they can text you after work. If they go to bed early every night they can text you when they’re up in the morning. Communication is critical in every stage of dating but I find it especially important in the beginning because, with each interaction, I am collecting information about you and deciding whether or not I’d like to continue seeing you. No text means no info which means no date. Sorry.
I don’t expect any guy to give me his full attention, in the beginning, or even further down the line. We all have lives. I get that. But it’s disrespectful to not give someone a response in some way. I also know that this is something that bothers me when I’m in a relationship so if they’re already doing this then they will only get worse over time. Onto the next!
GUYS WHO COMPLAIN THAT I’M “TOO BUSY”
This may seem contradictory to what I just said above BUT there is a difference.
Someone taking days to text you or call you back is rude. Someone taking an hour or two to text back because they’re busy is normal. What is not normal is getting upset with that person because they couldn’t text back in minutes. It’s also not normal to become upset when someone can’t hang out every day or has a busy schedule. Which brings me to my 7th deal breaker. The guy who gets his panties in a twist when I can’t throw all of my obligations aside at the drop of a hat for him.
I have never been busier in my life and I honestly don’t see that slowing down anytime soon. My work and my friends and family mean everything to me so they will always come before a guy. I don’t give my time away to just anyone so until I feel like a guy is really worth it, I won’t be overhauling my schedule to accommodate him.
I am very upfront from the beginning that I have a lot going on. It is not a secret. And most of the time, the guy has a lot going on too. We’re adults with careers and full plates and most people will have busy, even hectic, schedules. So when a guy makes snide remarks about mine and starts to whine about me being “too busy” I am immediately turned off. Do they have nothing else going on??
I am not someone who cancels or reschedules often. If I make plans I typically stick to them. I also always have at least 2-3 days a week when I’m free but some weeks are crazy and I don’t. And making plans more than once a week can be hard for me. It just is what it is, so I can’t exactly see myself with someone long term if they don’t get that.
ZERO AMBITION
I don’t know anyone who finds this particularly attractive but it’s pretty much repellent for me.
I have so many goals and big dreams and aspirations that I can’t imagine myself dating someone who has none. I am always working towards something and am super driven by my desire to succeed. A guy who doesn’t have any long term goals or who doesn’t make moves to progress in their careers or life in general, is not the kind of guy I want.
I want to be with someone who has something they’re passionate about and who is always searching for inspiration. People with ambition work really hard and that’s a quality I look for because it’s one that I see in myself. It’s not so much about what kind of career they have or how much money they’re earning, it’s about having something that lights them up and makes them want to jump out of bed in the morning.
Or on the other side of things, if a guy hates their job or doesn’t feel fulfilled then it’s extremely attractive to see them make the decision to find something new that makes them happy. No one wants to hear their significant other complain non-stop about their terrible boss every day while they do literally nothing about it. To me, ambition means you’re not willing to settle for anything less than a happy life and that’s the kind of person I want to be with.
What are your dating deal breakers? Tell me in the comments!
Xo, She
