If you’ve ever filled out a cheesy survey on a dating app or made awkward first date conversation then you’ve probably been asked the “what qualities are you looking for in a partner?” question. And you probably say something like “great sense of humor, sweet, loves his family” and of course, those are all great qualities to desire but HELLO, they should be givens! No one wants to date a humorless asshole who hates his mom, ya know?
I think it’s hard to get specific because it’s kind of an overwhelming question. Especially when we take into consideration the fact that we want different things in different phases of our lives. A guy who sleeps on a busted mattress on the floor and who shares one spoon with his roommates may be exciting at 18 (or just gross always, come on ladies don’t encourage squalor) but at 30 you’ll be running for the fucking hills.
When I really think about what exactly it is that I look for in a potential partner I immediately revisit my previous relationships and think about all the qualities I did NOT enjoy and begrudgingly, the few that I did. That’s why we date! We need to know what we like and what we consider to be wildly unacceptable behavior. (I’m talking about you John).
And over the years we start adding to our invisible list of acceptables and UN-acceptables (neither are real words, whatever) and we form a vision in our head of what our ideal relationship will look like. This is especially easy to do when we’re single because we have no one in our lives to distract us from what we know we really want. We make the bold declarations (“I will never date a beer snob with an unruly beard again!”), we create pacts with our girlfriends over too many bottles of wine, and we stand firm in our new, shiny set of high standards.
…until we meet a guy with killer blue eyes and a cute butt.
LADIES! What are we doing?? Why do we do this?? Why do we throw all of our dating resolutions out the window the minute we meet a hot guy because he gives us…butterflies? One dip in our tummies is really all it takes for us to abandon all of our non-negotiables and suddenly become okay with pee all over the toilet seat and ignored texts for 5 days?? Butterflies are cute but they do not guarantee a healthy, satisfying relationship. Sorry.
And listen, I absolutely do this too. I am the queen of standards, especially when it comes to the guys my friends are dating. I will tell them to dump their guy if doesn’t send the right emoji, meanwhile, my guy hasn’t spoken to me in 3 weeks and I’ve somehow convinced myself he’s just lost at sea. Trust me, I am speaking from a place of experience.
We can do better. And we deserve better. I know that it feels really nice to be desired and to have that giddy excitement of a new guy in our life. It’s hard to find people we’re attracted to and have chemistry with. So when it happens, it’s easy to convince ourselves that maybe our standards are a little unreasonable. Maybe the feeling we get when he looks into our eyes makes up for him “forgetting his wallet” every date and how he hates babies. I am here to tell you, from experience, it does not.
I have dated far too many guys who I thought were great and who I had such a good connection with but as we would get to know each other I would hear that tiny voice in my head saying “Nope, not this one. This isn’t going to work” and instead of listening I would push it out of my mind and focus on how nice it was to have someone kiss me on the forehead.
And ultimately, things wouldn’t work out (duh) and that’s totally okay. But typically things would fall apart in a way that was a lot more hurtful than it would have been if I had just realized sooner that this guy wasn’t a match for what I was looking for. Instead of forcing myself to compromise the qualities in a partner that are important to me so I could make it work only to be disappointed and occasionally, devastated, in the end.
I like to think that I have a great intuition about whether or not the person I’m dating is the right person for me. You know, the person. I have lied to myself (and others) a million times about thinking that a relationship had forever potential when really, deep down, I knew it didn’t. I am still learning to listen to this voice. And to decide in that moment if this means I need to say goodbye or if this means I’m just going to date this person for fun. But so far, this little voice has never been wrong. I mean, obviously. Single af over here! You probably have that little voice too.
I know that it can feel like there are zero guys out there. That everyone is gross and a total fuck boy but there truly are so may fish in the sea. Some fish will just be “fun for right now” fish and others will be “no fucking way” fish and someday you’ll meet your forever fish. It’s not supposed to work out with everyone. Just with the one. Ya know?
Or maybe you’ll live a happy and fulfilling life without a man because hello, that’s also a great option. Not sharing a bed and skipping shaving your legs is kind of a dream life, am I right?
Either way, we deserve someone who meets all of the standards we set. This applies to casual dating too. Just because you don’t plan on marrying the guy doesn’t mean he shouldn’t treat you well and in the way you desire. All we do when we lower our standards is lower our quality of life and because we only have this one very short life to live, I don’t think its worth it. No matter how cute his butt is.
Chances are, you’re probably stunning and kind and hilarious and driven and any guy would be damn lucky to even get to breathe the same air as you. Don’t forget that! When we hold onto our standards with unwavering determination all that happens is 1. we stop dating guys that we’re not compatible with and 2. we start dating guys who treat us like the queens we are and we have a great time. It’s a win-win, and it can’t be denied.
No matter what your standards are, they deserve to be met. If you want someone who takes out the trash without asking and is sweet to his grandma and is great at communication, then that is what you should have. Nothing less. And I know you’ll find it. ♥
What are some of your non-neogtiables for dating? Tell me in the comments below!
Xo, She
