My Dating Confessions

99% of the time I sit firmly in the belief that when it comes to guys, it’s not me, it’s them. Problematic? Maybe. Lacking self-reflection and awareness? Could be. Will I change my mind? Nope!

Okay okay, there have certainly been times where maybe I screwed up the situation. We’re all human, right? But honestly, I feel like I’ve had enough experience to be able to say with confidence that a lot of the men you’ll meet on the dating scene are rough. And not in the fun way.

That being said, it is unfair for me to make such sweeping generalizations and based on my own experiences I can definitely attest to the fact that occasionally us ladies pull a weird move here and there. Well, I wanted to share 5 of mine.

I have compiled a list of my dating confessions, that range from silly to downright humiliating in hopes that maybe you all can avoid my dating faux pas and save yourselves from the awkward moments I have unfortunately endured. Although these are quite specific so I would be shocked if any of you have experienced something similar. If you have, please tell me in the comments so I don’t feel like such a fool!

THE EGG DONATION

Okay so let me preface this by saying I know this wasn’t cool of me. I know that there are so many women struggling with fertility and donating eggs can give them an opportunity to start their families. I don’t think that’s funny or want to make less of it. But sometimes when you can’t ditch a guy you have to do what you have to do and this was one of those times. 

I was casually dating this guy for about a month or so and I didn’t really see it going anywhere. Let’s call him Ryan. In fact, let’s call him Little Ryan. He was 5’2 and had a serious case of little man syndrome. Nothing against short guys (I know they’re very sensitive about the topic) it was just true in this case. He also called me to tell me he was interested in a relationship with me after one date and at one point texted me at 3 am saying “I am an abusive sh*t Sheila” and claimed his friends had sent it. Yikes. Red flag USA. He was a real gem is what I’m saying. But, in the beginning, he was fun. We just had nothing in common and he always seemed a little off to me (obviously this was later confirmed). He was abrasive and very in your face about everything. Bad vibes to put it nicely. 

Anyway, while I was feeling pretty certain we would stop seeing each other in the near future, he, on the other hand, began expressing his desire for a relationship with me right off the bat, as I said. Which just felt…a little much. Blame it on my trust issues, but whenever a guy is that interested that quickly, I am immediately suspicious. 

We also had only been seeing each other for about a month and I told him that I like to move a lot slower and that I also wasn’t sure if I saw him in that way. He said he totally understood but I didn’t actually get that vibe from the way he continued to actively pursue something more with me. 

On our last date, we went to the movies, for pizza and THEN for a drink despite me making it clear I had an early morning. Which yes I could have just said no and gone home but he was very insistent. At this point in time, I had entered into the “I am annoyed by everything single thing you do” zone which is not a great place to be in because even the things that person is doing that aren’t necessarily annoying, piss you off to no end. Like when he had to say “yuuuuum” after every single bite of pizza I wanted to throw him into oncoming traffic. Not exactly justified, ya know?

Later, as we were sitting at the bar with our drinks, he asked me “So how would you say this is going? Do you think we’re on the right path?” which I found to be a totally asinine question considering I had told him several times at this point I was not interested in a serious relationship with him. THERE WAS NO PATH. 

I began explaining this to him AGAIN but he just wasn’t fucking getting it. Finally, before I knew it, the words “this is probably a good time for me to tell you I’m donating my eggs” popped out of my mouth. 

In my head, I thought “I’m sorry, what?” but I forged on. 

Earlier that day I had been wasting time on Facebook and stumbled upon a gruesome article about a girl who donated her eggs and ended up having all of these terrible medical complications. This prompted me to begin an impromptu egg donation research session so I guess all of that info was just ready and waiting. 

He stared back at me looking extremely puzzled which is what I was hoping for. Confuse the simple man with lady part words and send him down a dark spiral of male discomfort. 

He began asking me questions, and I explained how I wouldn’t be able to drink or have sex for six months (information I’m sure I got wrong but I went with it) and that I would be gaining around 10-30 pounds from the hormones (also exaggerated/incorrect info). To my shock and horror, he responded to ALL of it with “I will be there for you no matter what”. What?! 

I tried giving him some of the more cringe-worthy details that wouldn’t go over well with the squeamish crowd (aka all men) but he was still into it! 

Eventually, the date ended and I stopped responding to his texts after receiving his creepy 3 am declaration I mentioned previously and I thankfully never heard from him again. Yikes. 

Am I a terrible person?

WHEN I WAS ON A DATE WITH THE WRONG PERSON

Okay, not to sound cocky, but I am an online dating veteran. I have been on COUNTLESS first dates. Too many. Truly. I know what I’m doing over here.

…so I don’t really know how this happened. 

I met a guy on tinder and we agreed to meet at Bond Bar in the mission for drinks. He texted me to let me know he was there a couple minutes before I arrived, so when I walked in I immediately began looking around the bar to see where he was. 

I make eye contact with this cute guy who was tall, with dark hair and dark eyes. All three featuring matching those of my date. He smiles at me and says “hey!” excitedly so I walk over and we hug. I did mentally note that he looked different than his pictures but he was giving me major Jason Sudeikis vibes (which I am ALLLL about) so I quickly pushed that thought aside. 

He’s warm and friendly and we start flirting as we look at the menu together. I tell him my drink recommendations and he tells me how great I look. Then he asks me how my day went and I tell him “It was great! I finished up some new posts so I just sat in front of my laptop all day” and he smiles but begins to look…puzzled. 

He asks “what do you do again?” his brow furrowing. I say “I’m a writer” and the color drains from his face. 

“I’m so sorry, what’s your name?” he asks me and then all of a sudden it clicks for me too. This is not my date. 

“Sheila” I answer as I begin looking around nervously. “Oh god, I’m supposed to be on a date with a Jessica!” he says as he also begins to look around in a panic. I said “What the fuck do we do?? My date is here! He’s probably watching me right now” but before he could answer he lunged away from me like I had just told him I was carrying the plague and embraces another petite, blonde woman who must have been his Jessica. I know I fucked up too but this girl seriously didn’t look a thing like me. She was platinum blonde and had bangs. Come on. Guys are so dumb. 

The problem was that they were blocking me in at the bar and clearly Platinum Jessica had seen us mingling and clearly he had yet to mention our mutual dating mishap so I was receiving some serious side eye. Finally, he asked her what she wanted to drink and she asked if he had a menu. He looked toward the bar, at me, trapped and standing there awkwardly and I slowly handed her the menu in my hands and said “here you go…sorry” and shimmied in between them to escape. 

I knew my date had most likely seen the entire thing go down so I needed to salvage the evening somehow. Thinking fast I went up to the front of the bar, and texted him this: 

“Hey! Sorry, got here a few minutes ago but just ran into an old work colleague randomly! Where are you?” 

He texted back immediately and said he was behind me at the bar. We went on to laugh at what a coincidence it was that not only had I run into my “former coworker” but that he was also on a first date. What are the chances, am I right? 

My date said he definitely thought I had mistaken the other guy for him at first which also resulted in more laughs because wouldn’t that be so absurd?? They didn’t even look anything alike!

…I’m a mess. 

In the end, my date was so-so and I was slightly bummed out I didn’t get to keep hanging out with Platinum Jessica’s date. Sigh. Maybe we’ll meet again someday.

MY POST DATE ROUTINE BETRAYED ME

A beloved part of my first date routine is getting carne asada fries afterward. Especially if the date doesn’t go well or I’m not into the guy. Sometimes you just need to treat yourself to a little pick me up, you know? And I happen to prefer mine covered in cheese and guacamole. 

On one particular date, I was in the mission, leaving a popular dive bar called Zeitgeist after enduring two hours of extremely forced, awkward conversation and watching my date get heckled by the bartender for trying to order a mojito at a biker bar. I mean that last part was pretty funny, especially if you’re local and you’ve been to the dingy bar. Definitely not a mojito vibe. 

My date was nice enough but just not really for me. Zero chemistry. You know the drill. He didn’t seem to agree with my feelings though because he wanted to get another drink. I told him I totally would but unfortunately, I had a very early morning at work and had no choice but to head home. 

I was planning on walking a couple blocks to my favorite carne asada spot, Los Coyotes, but he insisted on waiting for me to get a lyft home before he got his own like a gentleman. Ugh. 

So I ordered my lyft and after a couple of minutes said goodbye as I stepped into the car. I immediately filled in my driver and requested he take me around the block a couple times before dropping me off down the street so I could finally make my carne asada fries dream come true!

I waltzed into Los Coyotes feeling victorious and ready to destroy a plate of cheesy carne asada goodness and as I’m ordering my food I can overhear a familiar voice at a table nearby. I hear a guy saying “yeah but she had to work early so she left but that’s cool” and I turn around to see MY DATE sitting at a table with a friend, enjoying what appeared to be a glorious burrito. 

We made eye contact and he stopped speaking mid-sentence and I just sort of…slowly backed away. And then awkwardly waited for my fries to be ready while staring at my phone and trying to ignore the heat of his gaze on the back of my neck. FINALLY, my fries were ready and I grabbed my bag and got the eff out of there. 

Needless to say, I switched over to using Postmates for my after date munchies. 

WHAT I GET FOR BEING A SNOOP

Okay so this was pretty rude of me but I know I am not the only one who has done something like this. 

Listen, as ladies, it is in our DNA to snoop. We love information. We thrive on it. Where are you from? What do you do? What’s your blood type? What’s your ex-girlfriend’s blood type? How heavily does your emotional baggage weigh on you? Do you have a sister? Is she nice? Etc. 

It is what it is!

Keeping this in mind, I don’t think what I did is that crazy. 

I had been casually seeing this guy I met at a bar for a few months. One night when I went over to his place to hang out he told me he needed to shower when I got there, and to just chill out in his room. So I’m hanging out, looking at all of his art and flipping through Netflix. Then I get up and I’m walking around just looking at all of his pictures and knick-knacks he’d collected from his travels. Totally innocent!

Once I got to his desk I stopped and saw that he had a notebook opened on his desk with what appeared to be lecture notes. That along with the 2009 date written in the corner led me to believe he had recently found an old notebook from his college days and was reminiscing. He had all of these cute doodles scattered across the page and before I knew it I was flipping through it to see what else he had drawn. This is light snooping okay. The notebook was already opened!

As I’m flipping through and noting how adorable he was for drawing little talking squirrels on his ethnic studies homework, I stumbled upon a page that he had titled “My Greatest Fears”. 

….I mean. I had to. 

There was a numbered list beneath the title and the first thing on that list was “Everyone finding out I’m gay”. Uh oh. 

I swear to god I am not making this shit up. 

I should have stopped reading but I was in too deep, I had to know! The rest of the list included things like “Being late to AA” (which I knew about), “Sarah getting mad at me”, “Running out of money” and a ton of other very personal things that I had no business reading. But I couldn’t stop! Ah!

I began to panic because I had clearly read something no one was ever supposed to see and now I had to just live with this information. I turned the notebook to the correct page and sat on his bed until he finally came back. I spent the evening very confused because to me, as far as I could tell, he seemed very much not gay and I wondered if I was now his beard. Should I tell him I knew? That it was okay? Maybe he was bi? Was this secret identity crushing his soul? Was dating me just pure misery because it meant he couldn’t be his true self? What do I do???

In the end, I decided to do nothing all and whatever we had faded into nothing over the next few weeks. I still wonder if what I found was some sort of therapeutic exercise that I totally invaded and it makes me feel like a real POS. But I also wonder if he had secretly hoped I would find it and confront him. I mean, it was just sitting there, open on his desk after all. I guess I’ll never know!

It seems what they say about snooping is true. You can do it but then you have to live with what you find! Eek. 

AN HONEST MISTAKE

Alright, this one probably makes me cringe the most out of all of them.

So I had been on a couple dates with a new guy and it was going well. Well enough that after one of our dates, I spent the night.

In the middle of the night, I woke up and needed to pee so I quietly crawled out of his bed and made my way down the hall, feeling the walls because it was dark af and I also was half asleep. After I was done I began making my way blindly back down the hall and then tiptoed into his room quietly. I felt my way for the bed and just as I was about to crawl back in I bumped into something that felt like a coffee table. It was loud enough that I heard him begin to wake up and I rubbed my now throbbing ankle and thought about how I didn’t even remember him having that table there earlier.

And then it hit me. 

I was not in his room. 

That was not him rustling around in bed. 

I HAD GONE INTO THE WRONG FUCKING ROOM

I squatted down and threw my hands over my eyes and attempted to assume invisibility, a trick my cousins and I use to try as kids when my aunt would come into the room during sleepovers to yell at us for not being asleep. Finally, his roommate stopped moving.

I cannot even begin to explain to you the depths of my gratitude for the fact that I at least didn’t GET INTO BED with his roommate because I honestly don’t think I would have survived the humiliation. AHH. Turning bright red in Peet’s right now just thinking about it. 

I slowly backed out of the room and thankfully his roommate stayed asleep. I made my way further down the hall to the correct room and slowly crept in. To this day I will never know if he ever found out what I did or if he heard me or what. What a DISASTER. 

Ladies I can’t be the only one who has had some pretty ridiculous/embarrassing dating moments. Tell me yours in the comments and make me feel better!

Xo, She