Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been, as my mother would say, “boy crazy”.
I blame all of the Disney movies I binged as a child that placed romance on this pedestal in my mind, making me believe that it was the ultimate life experience.
It honestly all started in Kindergarten with my very first crush ever, Joe Riggs. Joe had big brown eyes and if I remember correctly a little curly mullet situation that I, for some odd reason, found incredibly attractive.
I’m pretty sure I learned how to spell Joe’s name before I really got the hang of my own (in my defense his name is half as many letters). I remember my dad getting frustrated with me, asking me to spell my name, and me, defiantly spelling Joe’s instead.
My mother tells me that she remembers hearing me sing songs about him while I was in the bathtub (a very cringe-worthy thought) and that I would be on the hunt for him the minute I stepped into room 2, my classroom.
Joe did not like me. At all.
And, yeah sure, I get it. I was coming on a little strong. But when I look back at pictures of me as a 4-year old I’m honestly a little offended because not only was I, in my unbiased opinion, adorable, but I also had great style. Not a lot has changed. Just saying!
Joe would hide from me and tell me I was gross and request to be in other playgroups throughout the day. But that did not deter me. I liked Joe. Therefore Joe would be mine!
Looking back I realize that poor little Joe was probably terrified and confused. Like, why is this little blonde girl trying to hold my sticky hand and telling me she loves me? I do feel bad that I probably made Kindergarten a little uncomfortable for him. But you know, when true love calls, you answer.
This is not the beginning of a lifelong romance with Joe and will not be ending with me telling you that we now have our own little Joe’s scampering around. In fact, I have no idea where the fuck Joe even is or what he’s doing with his life. I think we might be Facebook friends?
In high school, ironically, Joe spent a short time following me around and confessing his love for me (okay fine, he just told me he thought I was pretty but like, same thing). I was uninterested as Joe, although much friendlier now that I had overcome puberty, turned out to not really be my type and seemed to have stopped growing after the 8th grade…sorry, Joe.
But, I mean, he had his chance so I don’t feel that bad!
Joe was just the first of many, many crushes. A lot of them unrequited (sad) and many of them short-lived and regrettable. I remember making goals at the beginning of every school year to not get so wrapped up in boy drama so I could at least pull off a B- average that year.
I went from boy to boy (in my mind, because again, a lot of them did not like me back #rejected) throughout all four years of school and it honestly just got worse in college because then I was able to actually hang out with these boys outside of class. Strict parent life, you feel me?
Fast forward to now. I just turned 25 a few weeks ago and I have dated…a lot. And while my life is filled with other interests and passions that have over the years become just as, and in most cases much more important than my love life, I would be lying if I told you that it still wasn’t something I get wrapped up in at times.
I guess you could call me a hopeless romantic but honestly, that sounds a little sad, right? I don’t want to be a hopeless anything.
I feel this weird sense of shame when I admit that I want a relationship. I feel like I’m too young, have too much left to do, am too independent, etc. The list goes on an on. It feels totally pathetic to want that. I just want to be the cool girl who doesn’t care about dating and who is so into her own life that she could not care less what that cute guy sitting across from her in the coffee shop thinks about her sweater.
…if you’re reading this cute guy sitting across from me, hi.
Moving on!
As a feminist and a career driven young woman I feel it is my duty to toss romance aside. To not care. I’m told all the time to enjoy my 20’s, to not worry about finding someone, blah blah blah. And I get it, okay? I know that I’m young and that I have my whole life ahead of me and that there is plenty of fish in the sea BUT I am also only human. And this human would like to meet someone great. Is that so bad to admit??
I find this shame creep up whenever I’m on a date with someone new and they ask me what I’m “looking for”. I hate this question because I feel so awkward saying “I’m looking for someone wonderful who could potentially become my boyfriend and beyond” because that is an INCREDIBLY awkward thing to say! So instead, I always go with the default “I’m not really looking for anything serious right now but if it happens it happens” response which is true-ish but doesn’t seem to tell the whole story.
One thing that I struggle with is that I have this fear that if I admit that I want a relationship that sends out the message that I am looking for that with just anyone. It seems to me that declaring you want a boyfriend wreaks of desperation even though I know it shouldn’t. Because I don’t just want a boyfriend. I want the boyfriend. I want the right guy who I actually care about and who treats me the way I deserve. Someone who makes me laugh constantly and who loves food as much as I do and who knows how to do his taxes. I’m not out here going on dates trying to make every guy I meet my boyfriend. Have you guys read my post about my top 7 worst dates?? Obviously, they were not contenders. Thank u, next!
But when I do meet guys I really like, yes, I eventually want to move onto something more serious. Why do I feel so weird admitting that? I know that I’m not alone in this. I know my friends all want to find someone special too. Just because we have other priorities doesn’t mean this isn’t one that matters.
As I’m getting older (older, not old) my time is becoming more and more precious and I am guarding it more fiercely than ever. I want time for my career, for my sweet friends, for my family, and of course, for myself. In fact, I require time for all of those things to continue being the best version of myself I can be. So I don’t want to give my time away to just anyone. While dating itself can be (and should be) fun I’ve found that when it becomes clear someone is not a match, I am letting them ago a lot quicker these days.
Casual dating is great for figuring out what you want and sometimes you’ll meet someone who you enjoy spending time with that may just not be a person you see yourself with long term. And obviously, that’s totally okay as long as you’re making that clear to them. But these days I’m finding that if I’m not spending my limited time with someone I want to invest in emotionally, I’d rather just not date anyone at all.
I think another big reason I feel so awkward and even embarrassed to admit that I want something serious is that if I say that I want that and then I can’t ever seem to get it, that makes me a failure. And a failure is not a fun thing to be.
Is there anything sadder than a girl who wants a boyfriend who can’t find one? I don’t want to be seen as that girl. But something I have been reminding myself is that just because I haven’t found someone great yet, doesn’t mean that I’m doing anything wrong. It’s not like out here I’m repelling all eligible men with my terrible personality (I don’t think?). I just haven’t found the right fit yet. And I’m allowed to continue to want to find that, while still being okay with waiting for it.
I still get to be an independent, cool, multi-faceted woman while also wanting to find someone special. I can have fun being single and also desire something more with the right person. I’m allowed to be both. And I am happy to wait patiently for the right person to come into my life, while still living it to the fullest.
What’s your biggest dating struggle? Tell me in the comments below!
Xo, She
