If there is one word I would use to describe myself it would be resilient. I am not someone who enjoys wallowing, dwelling on painful thoughts or focusing on my low moments. You’re probably thinking, duh. Does anyone enjoy that? Consciously, no. But I think we can all agree there are some people who seem to get an odd sense of satisfaction out of really milking the whole heartbreak thing. You know, the ones who spend weeks sobbing and eating and wearing oversized hoodies and flip flops. They reread old text messages, make embarrassing drunk dials and drive their friends insane with the constant emotional breakdowns.
That being said, break ups are hard. And they’re sad. Everyone is entitled and deserving of expressing these awful emotions in any way that they please. I just think that at some point, it’s a choice. You can continue to hate your life and overanalyze your last conversation or you can shift your mindset and choose happiness. Choose to persevere.
If you’re unsure how to do that then I have six ways to help you move on and start fresh. Because you deserve it girl.
1. GO COLD TURKEY
When me and my most recent ex boyfriend broke up I was truly shocked and felt completely blinded sided. Obviously I was not the one who did the dumping. No, it was him who rattled off bizarre reasons for why we weren’t right for each other. “You don’t talk about historical facts enough. I like history”, “every time we see each other you’re just telling me stories about what’s happening in your life and I’m not really interested”, “I don’t know why you haven’t quit your job”, etc. My very own Legally Blonde moment, where I got to get dumped and hear about why he didn’t think I was interesting or intelligent. How sweet. While typing this now makes me chuckle and think about how hard it must be for him going through life being such an insensitive asshole, at the time I was obviously very upset.
I was not expecting to get my heartbroken by the very person I had give so much of myself to. I was expecting to get soup dumplings.
After I endured more of him criticizing my personality I finally decided to walk the two blocks home (I made him pull over when he said he had something serious to talk to me about) because 1. I wasn’t really in the mood to continue listening to him complain about me and 2. I have a flair for the dramatic. Once I got there I kicked open my roommate’s door (I have no boundaries) and let her hold me while I cried.
This right here is a critical moment ladies. Read very carefully. The next step will set you up for a successful break up recovery.
Hand your phone over to your roomie/bestie/mom and have them delete that bitch from your life. I mean it. Every picture, every text, everything you ever posted on social media. Their phone number. Block them too. This is not petty. This is not immature. This is how you take care of yourself. Why should you have to torture yourself for months to come by seeing their pictures and posts all the time? Why should you have to try not to have one too many margaritas so you don’t Facebook stalk them or even worse, call them at 3am? Granted, some break ups are amicable and this step may not be necessary. But for those of you who are dealing with a jerk, do yourself a favor and get rid of anything that will remind you of them. When I was tricked into thinking I would be spending the afternoon devouring chow mien and instead was being told I wasn’t marriage material, I told him that he would never hear from me again. And I meant it.
You don’t have to keep that door open. You don’t have to keep them in your life. You are allowed to block out toxicity. Especially if they didn’t treat you with the respect you deserve in the first place.
2. LIST ALL OF THE REASON WHY YOU’RE AWESOME
For those moments when you’re feeling really low it’s nice to have something available that can remind you why you’re going to be okay. A few years ago after I broke up with a long term boyfriend who did not put in half of the effort I did, but is ultimately an okay person, just not the person for me, I wrote myself a letter explaining why I deserve better. I kept it with me so whenever sadness would strike I could read it as a pick me up. I listed things like “you’re a loyal friend”, “you always smell good” and “you are ambitious”. This sounds extremely cheesy and odd but it actually really helped remind myself that I am a person who deserves better.
Another good list to make is why you and your ex aren’t right for each other. This is especially useful for those of your who didn’t want to follow my first tip and have all of their social media accounts at your finger tips. Remind yourself that there are reasons you broke up. Even with my last break up, I was totally not expecting it but that in itself is reason enough for us to never be together again. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?
3. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH FRIENDS
This is really important. It can be so easy to slip into a mental state where you just want to be alone, sleep and eat hot cheetos. Don’t do this. It will make you sadder. It will also stain your sheets. Just saying.
I am happiest when I am surrounded by the people who make me feel good. Who make me feel like me. Those people are my besties and my family. Whether you’re retelling the story for the hundredth time as your friend rolls her eyes and mutters “what a dick” under her breath or you’re not talking about it at all and you’re laughing together over tacos and tequila, it is going to make you feel better.
To quote my guide to life, Sex and the City, “Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with”.
4. LIVE IN A STATE OF GRATITUDE
This is key for your happiness even if you’re not going through a break up. Finding a way to make gratitude a part of your life every day will make you a more centered, positive and accepting human.
I try to list all of the things I’m grateful for in my head every morning when I first wake up or when I’m in the shower (any excuse to stay under that glorious hot water longer, am I right?). I think about my parents and my sweet friends. I think about all of the place I’ve gotten to travel to. I think about this blog and my job and my apartment. I think about my car and my health. Sometimes I just think about little things, like how I’m so grateful that my corner store started carrying the creamer I like.
If you live your life appreciating the little things it allows you to view any situation through a more positive lens.
Something else I like to do is to be grateful for what’s to come. Maybe for you it’s being grateful for how easy it was for you to get over your ex, before you even have yet. I think about how grateful I am to be a successful writer, because that’s what I aspire to be. You can choose to be grateful and focused.
5. CREATE A HAPPY PLACE
As I write this my room is currently resembling the aftermath of a tornado, with clean laundry in piles on the floor, books stacked every where, and new makeup cluttering my vanity. I will definitely be taking a cleaning break after I finish this post.
Although my room’s current state is not making it incredibly desirable to be in, when it’s clean (which is usually the case otherwise I lose my mind) I really have worked hard to create a space that is warm and comforting. My room has a lot of candles, my closet is color coded, and I make my bed every morning. When I come home from a stressful day there is nothing that instantly eases my mind more than a clean room. I have pictures of family and friends everywhere, I have a vision board that I made to inspire me to reach my goals and you know your girl gets down with some inspirational quotes.
It sounds really silly but by creating a space that I love to be in it makes those moments when I’m alone and I self reflect positive ones. I take care of myself, my things and my space because I respect all of it.
6. FOCUS ON WHAT YOU WANT YOUR LIFE TO LOOK LIKE
Finally, you should use this closing of a chapter to inspire you to make the opening of the next everything you’ve always wanted it to be. You control your life. You can make the choice to be happy and successful right now. If you want to go after your dream career, take a fun vacation or simply just make more time for your family then you can. I want to be the type of person who is always finding the positives, who is happy even when I’m alone and who finds joy in spending time with the ones who I love. So that’s who I am. I do not want to be negative or sad or lonely. So I am not. And when I do have moments when I’m feeling those emotions because I’m not a creepy robot, they’re so much easier to manage and take care of because I know they do not define me.
I know I am on my way to wonderful things, dreams being fulfilled and moments I’ll cherish forever. I do not need a boyfriend to reach my goals or to create the life I’ve always wanted. And neither do you.
How do you get over a break up? Tell me in the comments!
Xoxo,
She
